An Open Letter of Hate to the Woman in 12A

Dear Woman Sitting Behind Me in 12A on This Flight to Vegas,

For the last two and a half hours I’ve been suppressing a distinct and snowballing hatred for you. You insist on squawking at full volume on and on about all the mundane things that come to your mind. Dismal proof of your repressed suburban life. Mindless chatter that sets those subjected to it back decades of intellectual years when heard at normal volume, but at your chosen decibel level, it’s simply unbearable.

And of course, you have a Southern accent which makes your inane yammering sound, if at all possible, more vapid.

As if that was not enough, after one and a half Shock Tops you’ve taken to laughing at everything you say. Your favorite topic has been how ridiculously hot it is on this plane. When the flight attended asked you if you wanted anything you requested air conditioning and then threatened to “strip down to your skivvies.” I got a good look at you when you went to use the lavatory, and seeing you in your skivvies would be an event so unholy, I would sell my own mother into white slavery to keep your clothes on. Continue reading

Royal Thunder: Mlny Parsonz Makes Me Want to Quit Men Forever

Today I found my reason for living.

I am straight as an arrow, but with that black hair and throat tattoo, I would give up men forever. If she handed me a pair of sneakers and a cup of Kool-Aid I would put them on, drink it, and follow her until my body ceased to function.

Her name is Mlny Parsonz and she fronts the Atlanta band Royal Thunder.

royal thunder, royal thunder atlanta, Mlny Parsonz, best atlanta bands

Royal Thunder. Prepare yourself.

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Age of the Eighties Party

Editor’s Note: This was a rant that I wrote my first year at SCAD in 2007-08. I submitted it to District, SCAD’s newspaper, the following year but of course it didn’t get published. 

We’ve all been to one at some point in our lives, or at least we’ve seen the pictures. The mindless droll that sets us back five intellectual years with every photo we see. I’m talking about Eighties-themed parties. You can’t spend a weekend on a college campus without hearing about one.

Party of the year

The first quarter I was at SCAD, I got invited to “The Party of the Year,” according to some very credible sources and Facebook bullshit. My knee-jerk reaction was to say no because it was, in fact, an Eighties party. I get dragged to said party because I have unfortunate lapses of judgment and moments of pathetic weakness.

80s punk, 80s rocker, eighties punk costume, anarchySince these events are always about the clothes, my wardrobe choice was an outfit a la Debbie Harry-meets-Nancy Spungen (deceased girlfriend of the Sex Pistols bassist, Sid Vicious). It was a completely ridiculous mix of glam rock and punk including a leather jacket and overly teased hair.

I didn’t expect too many people to be dressed as ‘80s punks, but when a friend told me he was going as Dee Snider, I figured there would be a few people there representing hair metal, or glam rock like David Bowie. At the very least, I expected to see some power suits with huge shoulder pads and skinny ties, because let’s face it: it doesn’t matter if you’re in a nursing home or the fourth grade, everyone’s seen Miami Vice.

I was wrong.

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Book Review: Townie

andre dubus iiiA few weeks ago I finished reading a memoir called Townie by Andre Dubus III, author of House of Sand and Fog. Townie was a powerful book on multiple levels; it was raw and visceral, heartbreaking, and utterly inspiring to me as a writer.

Townie is a story of what it’s like to grow up poor, nearly fatherless, and fighting for your life in the streets of Boston in the 1970s and ’80s. It spares no gritty detail on back alleys filled with cigarette butts and broken glass, passing around a pint of Southern Comfort and a joint waiting for the school bus to take them to middle school, and the persistent, soul-crushing stench of the brown, bubbling Merrimack River.

merrimack river, polluted merrimack river, boston pollution

The Merrimack: Where childhoods go to die.

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Knoxville: Sorostitutes, Daydrinking, and Bone Luging

pollen sad faceSpring is my favorite season in Atlanta. Just when you start to forget what leaves look like and you’re about to lose all hope, the dogwoods begin to bloom. You can put on chapstick and rest assured that after walking three feet, your lips will be yellow and gritty with pollen. The best part about spring, however, is that on April 1 the PTO days at work reset.

UT Knoxville logo, university of tennessee logoAfter a whirlwind trip home to Florida for a wedding and setting a new personal binge drinking record, I came back to ATL for the week only to head to Knoxville the next weekend. When I think “vacation” the state of Tennessee doesn’t usually pop into my head, but a good friend of mine who’s a UT alum wanted to show us around her old stomping grounds. I’d never been, so I figured what the hell?

After working all day and then driving three and a half hours through torrential downpour and multiple tornado warnings, we arrived in Knoxville. Our destination for the night was Cumberland Ave, “The Strip” of college bars located within walking distance of student housing. After stopping into Half Barrel for a Mickey’s and a shot, we walked over to the oasis of Docksiders, filth and regret known as Tin Roof. Continue reading

Sound City: A Non-Review

sound city cover, sound city, sound city dvd

Why a non-review? I actually learned once in The Long, Long Ago how to write a film review and this is most certainly not that. Being that I’m a bit of a Dave Grohl fangirl, this post will be completely biased. However, I promise The Foo Fighters actually have very little to do with this review, so rest easy, hoss.

Nirvana, nirvana nevermind, nevermind album coverSound City is a documentary, directed by Dave Grohl, that is all about the San Fernando Valley recording studio of the same name. Incorporated in 1969, Sound City Studios has used their completely analog technique to record more than 100 gold and platinum albums over the years including Nirvana’s Nevermind. Continue reading

Charm City Trip: Murals, Records, and the Sexiest Chicken ‘n’ Waffles Ever

Last week I took a trip out to Baltimore to see some family for Christmas. I flew out Christmas morning and had the pleasure of enjoying the soothing sounds of a screaming baby for the first 30 minutes. And we all know how much I love children.

A Little History

I was born in Baltimore at St. Agnes hospital. It was around the time of Independence Day and my mom told me that she could see fireworks over the Inner Harbor from her hospital window.

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Baltimore’s Inner Harbor

My parents moved us down to Florida when I was three months old, but I would fly up to visit my grandparents in Baltimore every summer starting at age nine. Continue reading

Review: Another Bullshit Night In Suck City

I just finished reading a charming, heart-warming book that couldn’t have been more perfect for the Christmas season. It’s called Another Bullshit Night In Suck City by Nick Flynn.

another-bullshit-night-in-suck-city-book-cover Continue reading

Art Updates: 2012 Show Recap & News

Moving to Atlanta, I knew that there would be more opportunities in the art world, and after a year and a half, I’ve finally started to find my footing. Fall is always the busiest time for art shows and events and this year I found myself caught up in a few of them.

The first was the Forget Me Not Tonight Art Show & Fundraiser for Alzheimer’s research which was September 15 at Sound Table.

Forget Me Not Tonight Poster Continue reading

Adventures in Mormon Country

A few months back I took a trip out to Salt Lake City to visit my aunt and uncle.

Salt lake city utah, SLC

Much to my surprise I did not burst into flames after stepping off the plane. Continue reading