Get ready for a blast from the past. It’s 1994 and you’re back in elementary school. It’s Wednesday, so it’s time to go to the computer lab for activity. You have your choice of three games: Reader Rabbit (weak), Math Blaster (super weak), or everyone’s favorite–Oregon Trail.
It’s funny, I never remember actually seeing the cover of the game at school, but when I looked it up on Amazon, I was astounded at how awesomely detailed the illustration is on the front compared to the graphics of the game.
One of the best parts about Oregon Trail is that you got to name all the people in your wagon after your friends. So when the inevitable “Jenny was bitten by a snake” pops up on the screen, you can laugh and point at Jenny. Or you could just name your characters “Poop” and “Boogers.”
There were always crazy things happening in the game:
- You ford the river every time, no matter how deep, and lose all your shit because you’re a cheap-ass and don’t want to pay for the ferry.
- Suzy gets a broken shin bone.
- You never buy extra wheels, and then, of course, you break a fucking wheel.
- Somebody always gets typhoid fever and you spent all your money on hookers, so you can’t buy medicine for them.
- You go out and shoot 50,000 buffalo like it’s fucking Duck Hunt or something. Then all your meat goes bad and you get dysentery.
- You catch a venereal disease from one of the Indians.
- You smoke peyote with Chief Black Foot and he jacks all your shit.
But it was always the best when this message came up:
No matter how you played the game, you never fucking made it to Oregon. And if you did, everyone hated you. In fact, we still do.