Open Letter to Latina Janitorial Staff

Note: The idea for this letter came from my very dear friend, Satan M.D.

Dear Latina Janitorial Staff at Every Corporate Job I’ve Ever Had,

Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Your judgement is wrapped so completely in apathetic boredom that it appears nonexistent but I know it’s there. I know that behind those half-lidded eyes, that gum-chewing maw, those pink Gumy Reggaeton-blasting earbuds, beneath that messy bun of hip length, gloriously lustrous and full-bodied brown hair, deep inside that cranium, you’re judging me. You’re seeing that I’m still working at 6:45 p.m. and you’re thinking, “This perra must suck at her job.”

So now I’m informing you that, on behalf of every corporate employee ever, I don’t appreciate it.

You don’t know me. Maybe I’m so dedicated to my team, my job and my impending promotion that I work twelve hours a day, sacrificing all personal needs and any shred of remaining social life. Or more realistically, maybe I spent half the day sexting that random bartender I finally heard back from and now I’m playing catch-up. Either way, there are important things afoot and I would like to attend to them sans judgment. Continue reading

Advertisements

Mescaline & Diarrhea: A Fuck Valentine’s Day Rant

cheesy romantic photo, cheesy couple, 80s couple

I could say that this is a bullshit holiday invented by capitalist pig greeting card companies and manufacturers of waxy, mediocre chocolates. These same companies that undoubtedly have contracts with Weight Watchers and 100 Calorie Packs, which as we all know, if you mow down a box of six, does not equal 600 calories. It’s science.

None of this is untrue, but there’s another side to this ugly die. Let’s all keep this in mind as we approach this miserable holiday:

Even when you are head-over-heels, shit-eating grin, dance around the house, window-licking in love, Valentine’s Day still sucks.

It never won’t suck. Continue reading