I could say that this is a bullshit holiday invented by capitalist pig greeting card companies and manufacturers of waxy, mediocre chocolates. These same companies that undoubtedly have contracts with Weight Watchers and 100 Calorie Packs, which as we all know, if you mow down a box of six, does not equal 600 calories. It’s science.
None of this is untrue, but there’s another side to this ugly die. Let’s all keep this in mind as we approach this miserable holiday:
Even when you are head-over-heels, shit-eating grin, dance around the house, window-licking in love, Valentine’s Day still sucks.
It never won’t suck.
This comes from someone who was window-licking happy for four years and I’m here to tell you, VD sucks any way you slice it. Whether you pull a Sheldon Cooper (to his assistant: “Here’s 2,000 dollars, I think Amy likes monkeys and the color gray”) or you go with the full service wash and wax and treat your beloved to dinner, fancy wine and 15 minutes of passion she’s sure to forget, you’re fucked either way.
This is also not the part where I tell you that every day should be special. If you thought I was going to say that, allow me to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Sarah, I hate everyone including you . . . especially you.
The only thing I can safely say about this shit-sucking holiday is fuck it!
That’s right, motherfuck it.
Who cares? So you won’t have a beefed up story with which to make your coworkers jealous on February 15. You know who you are, too. I tell you what, if making yourself seem awesome to others is that important to you, make something up! Here, I’ll give you an example:
“My Valentine’s Day? Er, it was great! Steve and I rode unicorns around the moon and ate chocolate sundaes laced with mescaline and we laughed until we got violent diarrhea.”
See, wasn’t that easy?
Here’s the best part about February 14. In a few short weeks, the sun will start to come out again. If you’re fortunate enough to live in Atlanta, everything will be covered in a film of yellow tree sex. Yay!
See aren’t you already starting to have better feels? Whether you’re single, in a relationship, married or dead (same-same), join me in saying…
Fuck Valentine’s Day.
P.S. Michael Cera does mescaline. Google it.