Yesterday I had plans to meet a friend for drinks at a German joint called Der Biergarten in downtown Atlanta. Not wanting to deal with downtown parking or driving after a few steinfuls, I booked an Uber to pick me up from my house in Cabbagetown. Immediately after hitting “Request UberX” the driver calls me.
“Hi! This is Jared, your Uber driver. How are you?”
“I’m good, and you?”
“I’m great. So how are you?”
Pause. “I’m fine,” I say hesitantly, having not the slightest clue what is happening.
“I wanted to ask if it’s OK if I have a friend riding with me.” No explanation as to why.
“Yeah that’s fine,” I reply. My first thought was that he’s simply giving his friend a ride somewhere and is doing double duty. My other thought was that it’s probably just two dudes riding around like we used to do when we were in high school and the only things to do were drive around, or hang out in the Walmart parking lot or in the woods. I found out immediately that it was the latter. Continue reading →
After three and a half years of living in Atlanta, I finally made it out of suburgatory and moved to the city. Not to say that my time in Chambodia wasn’t great; where else in the South can you get a car wash, a lap dance, and an authentic bowl of pho at 3 a.m.?
That said, my life has improved infinitely in the short time that I’ve been in the city. I’ve ditched the cuntadactyl of a roommate I was living with, adopted Humphrey
and threw a bitchin’ house party.
Please note that during this time I was in the longest sustained amphetamine-free blackout in personal history: roughly six and a half hours. Therefore most of this recap is a combination of speculation, pieced-together secondhand accounts, and several eyewitness reports.
I am straight as an arrow, but with that black hair and throat tattoo, I would give up men forever. If she handed me a pair of sneakers and a cup of Kool-Aid I would put them on, drink it, and follow her until my body ceased to function.
Her name is Mlny Parsonz and she fronts the Atlanta band Royal Thunder.
Moving to Atlanta, I knew that there would be more opportunities in the art world, and after a year and a half, I’ve finally started to find my footing. Fall is always the busiest time for art shows and events and this year I found myself caught up in a few of them.
The first was the Forget Me Not Tonight Art Show & Fundraiser for Alzheimer’s research which was September 15 at Sound Table.
It’s that time of the year, folks: Moving Season. I have a question, why the fuck does everyone wait until it is 106 degrees outside with humidity to rival the Amazon to move? Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about that in Atlanta.
Last week one of my coworkers brought in a lunch that made me so jealous I wanted to punch her in the head and steal it. Instead of assaulting her, I decided to recreate the meal myself with organic ingredients from the Dekalb Farmers Market. Continue reading →
After 24 years, I think I’ve finally passed into adulthood. It happened this past Saturday when I voluntarily woke up at 6 a.m. to attend a conference for my job.
The conference was called So Connected or SoCon12 for short and it was held at Kennesaw State University and was a basically a field day (minus the sack races and water balloon tosses) for social media nerds.
Last night I had the single most horrifying experience of my life. It didn’t involve a severed human torso or carnies with brown Chiclet teeth; those things I can handle. This experience took me completely out of my comfort zone and into some alternate universe where faces are spackled and painted, each hair is frozen into place with layers of Aquanet, and you can hear bangles jingling from down the hall.
I attended a Mary Kay holiday meeting.
Not the kind that takes place in someone’s home with friends or women you vaguely know pushing their lip glosses and hand moisturizers. Those are bad enough. But this was a whole different animal.
Feeling pretty guilty about not posting anything since August. However, when I write 10-12 of these suckers (blog posts) a day at work it’s kind of hard to muster up the energy to get back on the computer when I get home. Most days I come home and send hateful thoughts and glances to my computer sitting innocently unused on my desk. When you work in social media, you tend to become resentful of the things that used to bring you enjoyment.