Knoxville: Sorostitutes, Daydrinking, and Bone Luging

pollen sad faceSpring is my favorite season in Atlanta. Just when you start to forget what leaves look like and you’re about to lose all hope, the dogwoods begin to bloom. You can put on chapstick and rest assured that after walking three feet, your lips will be yellow and gritty with pollen. The best part about spring, however, is that on April 1 the PTO days at work reset.

UT Knoxville logo, university of tennessee logoAfter a whirlwind trip home to Florida for a wedding and setting a new personal binge drinking record, I came back to ATL for the week only to head to Knoxville the next weekend. When I think “vacation” the state of Tennessee doesn’t usually pop into my head, but a good friend of mine who’s a UT alum wanted to show us around her old stomping grounds. I’d never been, so I figured what the hell?

After working all day and then driving three and a half hours through torrential downpour and multiple tornado warnings, we arrived in Knoxville. Our destination for the night was Cumberland Ave, “The Strip” of college bars located within walking distance of student housing. After stopping into Half Barrel for a Mickey’s and a shot, we walked over to the oasis of Docksiders, filth and regret known as Tin Roof. Continue reading

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Charm City Trip: Murals, Records, and the Sexiest Chicken ‘n’ Waffles Ever

Last week I took a trip out to Baltimore to see some family for Christmas. I flew out Christmas morning and had the pleasure of enjoying the soothing sounds of a screaming baby for the first 30 minutes. And we all know how much I love children.

A Little History

I was born in Baltimore at St. Agnes hospital. It was around the time of Independence Day and my mom told me that she could see fireworks over the Inner Harbor from her hospital window.

Baltimore's Inner Harbor

Baltimore’s Inner Harbor

My parents moved us down to Florida when I was three months old, but I would fly up to visit my grandparents in Baltimore every summer starting at age nine. Continue reading

Roasted Bell Peppers Stuffed with Goat Cheese, Mozzarella and Tomatoes

Last week one of my coworkers brought in a lunch that made me so jealous I wanted to punch her in the head and steal it. Instead of assaulting her, I decided to recreate the meal myself with organic ingredients from the Dekalb Farmers Market. Continue reading

The True Form of Paula Deen

Thanks to a link on Facebook posted by my old SCAD buddy, Josh Buckner, I have found another tool that my archnemesis is using to woo innocent people into her clutches.

Those who know me know of my long-standing fear and loathing of the she-devil that is Paula Deen.

Paula Deen evil Continue reading

It’s hot as fuck and my birthday cake has a missile launcher on it.

Now that I’m a working stiff it seems like the days drag and the weeks fly by. I can’t believe that it’s already August. What I can’t believe even more than that is that I now live in a place where there are actually seasons. In Florida the seasons go as such:

  • Winter: “Jesus fuck, it’s cold outside!” …52 degrees.
  • Spring: “Hey, it’s still pretty chilly, I think I’ll wear a sweater today” and by 11 a.m. you’re sweating and/or working with some righteous B.O.
  • Summer: Pit stains and ball sweat.
  • Fall: Certainly nothing “crisp” about fall in Florida. Picture the exact opposite of that. Continue reading

The lox debacle

Two weeks ago I was in Cocoa Village after an appointment and decided to eat lunch at my favorite restaurant in the area, Ossorio.

Ossorio, downtown Cocoa, Cocoa village, Florida, cafe, lox

Ossorio is a cute little cafe right one the corner of Brevard Avenue and Harrison Street. Every time I’ve eaten there it’s been nothing short of delicious . . . until now.

Because I am participating in the Summer Meltdown 2010 weight loss program, I decided to keep my lunch very light. So I ordered a salad. The Francoise Salad to be exact. This salad boasted thinly-sliced salmon over a bed of spring greens with roasted asparagus, a lemon vinaigrette dressing and a small baguette.  The baguette was the best part.

In Ossorio’s defense, this salad debacle was my own damn fault. I was going to order the salad with bacon and blue cheese crumbles, but I went for the healthier option. I opted for the salmon, even though the boy at the register warned me without warning me about it. Here’s how it went down:

Me: Can I have the Francoise Salad, please?

Register boy: Have you had our salmon before? (This should have been my clue to order something different.)

Me: No.

RB: It’s salt-cured.

Me: [Blank stare]

RB: It’s lox.

Me: [Pausing for a brief, agonizing moment] That’s fine.

But it was not fine. The girl brought over my salad, I took one look and thought Shit, what have I done? It was a plate full of slimy salmon.

Thinly-sliced salt salmon. I’ve had prepackaged Starkist salmon better than this crap. It was chewy and fishy beyond belief. Normally I’m O.K. with the flavor of salmon, but this was just vile.

Then I realized that what I was eating was not even really that healthy. It was very salty which meant that it would make me retain water and even raise my blood pressure. Great.

I resolved to eat at least all of the vegetables and some of the salmon, which I did, but it was rough. Eating a bite of the baguette with the salmon made it a bit more bearable, and now I understand why people eat lox primarily on bagels. Not on salads.

Next time I visit Ossorio, I’m sticking with a whole wheat flat bread pizza. That’s the way to go.

Fuddruckers, RuddFuck . . . nevermind

Fuddruckers, Ruddfuckers, Buttfuckers

As most of you know from my incessant promotion on Facebook and [possibly] Twitter, I am now a bartender at Fuddruckers on Broughton. Today is my fifth shift and I’m proud to report that I absolutely love it! No B.S. There are ups and downs, but it’s a great gig.

The cool thing is that in Georgia you don’t need a certificate/license or anything to do this job as far as I know. And being that today is Mother’s Day I hope to make something good. Maybe some hungover ladies want a Bloody Mary? I’m on it. Faux mimosa*? On it. I really want to use the blender today, so if you’re craving some frozen paradise, let me know!

I work the weekends:

  • Thursday: 50 cent drafts for college students. Bud, Bud Light, Michelob Ultra, Miller, Blue Moon, Yuengling, Newcastle and Sam Adams Noble Pils (seasonal ale).
  • Friday: Happy Hour 5-7. $1 off everything. Karaoke w/ my good friend Art.
  • Saturday: Happy Hour 5-7.
  • Sunday: same.

So if you’re in the neighborhood, stop in and see me! Grab a good drink and enjoy while I practice the Art of the Bar. (Thanks Brittany Vogel).

Oh yeah, there’s really good food too. Not just promo, it’s actually delicious.

Num Nums, cheeseburger, chzbrgr, Fuddruckers

*Natty Light and O.J. (Trust me!)

Never Buy This

As if you wouldn’t know just by looking at it.

I saw it sitting dejectedly on the kitchen counter last night and thought, What the hell? I think part of me mistook the chili peppers for raspberries and in my delusional late night munching, I didn’t really care. Chocolate lover that I am, all I saw was “64% Cacao” and I was sold.

I broke off one piece, fuck it, two pieces and popped them in my mouth. Smooth sailing. Delicious dark chocolate, a little bitter, and then oh wait, oh SHIT! My mouth is on FUCKING FIRE!

It took me about 15 minutes to fully recover from the self-inflicted torture. Could I have spit it out? Yes. Did I? No. I don’t believe in wasting chocolate no matter how old, rancid or pepper-filled.

My thoughts on Paula Deen

This woman absolutely terrifies me.

I think she might be the devil.

A neighbor of mine back home, a real old Southern woman named Shirley, always asks me to get P.Deen’s autograph for her. But I’m scared. I think she would smile, rip my face off, fry it in butter until golden brown, then sprinkle powdered sugar on it and serve it to an unassuming audience member.

Aunt Linda’s Chicken Alfredo Roll Recipe

My friends and I had Ladies’ Night last night which involved a little bit of cooking, curling our hair, and lots of champagne. I decided to make an appetizer, but after surfing the Web for recipes for an hour the night before, I became really overwhelmed. I e-mailed my aunt Linda who owns Port D’Hiver Bed and Breakfast in Melbourne Beach, FL (shameless plug, I know) and asked her for suggestions. She sent me this recipe for a delicious chicken alfredo roll.
Ingredients:
small jar of alfredo sauce
small pack of cooked chicken breast
medium bag of mozzarella cheese
tube of rolled pizza dough (usually next to the crescent rolls in the store)
(1) egg
(1/2) tsp. water
Directions:
  1. Preheat the oven to 350.
  2. Open tube, roll the pizza dough and flatten out a little.  I usually do this on a cookie sheet sprayed with PAM.
  3. Spoon the alfredo sauce thinly over the dough but leaving 1 inch border around the edge.
  4. Chop the chicken breast into little pieces and sprinkle over sauce (you can add canned mushrooms to this step if you like them and it dresses it up a bit).
  5. Then sprinkle a good amount of cheese over this.
  6. Beginning at the short end, carefully roll the pizza dough just like you would a sleeping bag.  When you finish pinch the ends to seal in the sauce.
  7. Whisk egg and water in a small bowl. Brush egg mixture (called an “egg wash”) over the dough. This step is optional, but it makes the roll much prettier.
  8. Bake for 20 minutes.
  9. Let sit for 5- 10 minutes before you slice it or it will be too gooey.
NOTE:
You can throw all kinds of stuff in there, whatever you have leftover. You can shop an onion, red and green peppers,  zucchini or squash and saute or microwave it with a little butter for a few minutes until soft and sprinkle it in with the chicken. Or get a can of little black olives and sprinkle those around. Have left over cooked broccoli? Chop it up and throw it in there. The more the merrier!