The Paper Route

 

There was a point when I was in elementary school that my mom was pretty much my best friend. When I first started school and she still had her paper route she would sometimes let me stay home sick so we could play hooky. We’d get McDonald’s for lunch and rent movies like Splash from Blockbuster. We’d laugh and joke. Probably make fun of things as we were wont to do. There’s a scene from the movie “Say Anything” when Diane Court’s father is trying to figure out what’s going on with her and he implores her, “You know you can say anything to me.” That’s how it was with my parents, I could say anything to them. 

I remember once I got old enough to start going out with friends and start making big girl mistakes they sat me down and told me: No matter what you do, what happens in your life whether you kill someone, get pregnant, rob a bank, anything. We will help you. I never forgot that.

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Trailer Haven

When I was really little, before I started school, mom worked a paper route and many times I would go with her. She would wake me up at three in the morning, make us each a cherry Pop-Tart wrapped in a napkin and a little glass of milk for the road. We would drive out to a bank where all the paper deliverers met and rolled their papers for the morning. Then we would drive through the Trailer Haven trailer park while it was still pitch dark and mom would cruise through the lanes and whip the papers out the window of her Toyota while she played Fleetwood Mac. Continue reading

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Health Fist

Did she misspell that? Was it intentional? What the hell is going on and where are my pants? These are all questions you might be asking yourself at this point in time, but I am here to tell you: have no fear. All will be explained in due time.

I’ve recently started working at a company called Health First which, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Brevard County, Fla., is a large corporate non-profit hospital with facilities in Palm Bay, Melbourne, Cape Canaveral and coming in 2011, Viera.

The new digs

My first day at the hospizzle was September 7th and my ninety-day evaluation is coming up the first week in November. My supervisor

says I’m doing fine so I’m not shitting my pants just yet, but we’ll see as the time crawls nearer.

The specific department I work in (and no, I’m not wiping asses or cleaning projectile vomit off of the walls) is called Patient Business Services, or more specifically, Registration. There we register and collect money from patients coming in for outpatient labs, diagnostics, etc. But the real fun, as I’ve heard is the ER. I haven’t been trained on ER yet, but to say that you see some interesting stuff in a gross understatement.

Right now I work the front desk and my level of misanthropy grows more and more every day. The utter stupidity of the general public never ceases to amaze me. That’s not to say that I didn’t already hate people, because believe me, I did. But now it’s been confirmed.

Some days are great and some days it’s like eating a fistful of bees. On the Monday of my third week I actually sat down at my lunch table and started crying. One thing I do have to say, though is that the people I work with are pretty awesome. So that makes it better.

I’m just trying to take it one day at a time right now and adjust myself to working 50 hours a week. The one thing that keeps me going?

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Absolutely not. But for right now I’d say I’ve got a pretty sweet gig.

This explains a lot.

Palm Bay's Drinking problem

Yes. The city you see listed on the number two spot for the drinkinest cities in the country is good old Palm Bay, my hometown. I was tagged in this picture on Facebook along with about 40 other people and the comments explain oh-so-much about why this is true.  Take Stephanie’s comment for example:

“Hahahaha that’s amazing LOL were the shit were the ones responsible for that title and I couldn’t be prouder haha”

This explains a lot. Most people agreed that because Palm Bay-Melbourne is so boring (i.e. Melboring), people just drink for something fun to do. Back in high school that was definitely the case. Whether it was at the barn, Krassner, the compound, or the beach, we always found a place to party.  There were even people who made their own silk-screened “Palm Bay Drinking Team” T-shirts in Comm Tech class.

There even exists a list of fun facts compiled about Palm Bay. More to come.