Health Fist

Did she misspell that? Was it intentional? What the hell is going on and where are my pants? These are all questions you might be asking yourself at this point in time, but I am here to tell you: have no fear. All will be explained in due time.

I’ve recently started working at a company called Health First which, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Brevard County, Fla., is a large corporate non-profit hospital with facilities in Palm Bay, Melbourne, Cape Canaveral and coming in 2011, Viera.

The new digs

My first day at the hospizzle was September 7th and my ninety-day evaluation is coming up the first week in November. My supervisor

says I’m doing fine so I’m not shitting my pants just yet, but we’ll see as the time crawls nearer.

The specific department I work in (and no, I’m not wiping asses or cleaning projectile vomit off of the walls) is called Patient Business Services, or more specifically, Registration. There we register and collect money from patients coming in for outpatient labs, diagnostics, etc. But the real fun, as I’ve heard is the ER. I haven’t been trained on ER yet, but to say that you see some interesting stuff in a gross understatement.

Right now I work the front desk and my level of misanthropy grows more and more every day. The utter stupidity of the general public never ceases to amaze me. That’s not to say that I didn’t already hate people, because believe me, I did. But now it’s been confirmed.

Some days are great and some days it’s like eating a fistful of bees. On the Monday of my third week I actually sat down at my lunch table and started crying. One thing I do have to say, though is that the people I work with are pretty awesome. So that makes it better.

I’m just trying to take it one day at a time right now and adjust myself to working 50 hours a week. The one thing that keeps me going?

Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Absolutely not. But for right now I’d say I’ve got a pretty sweet gig.

The lox debacle

Two weeks ago I was in Cocoa Village after an appointment and decided to eat lunch at my favorite restaurant in the area, Ossorio.

Ossorio, downtown Cocoa, Cocoa village, Florida, cafe, lox

Ossorio is a cute little cafe right one the corner of Brevard Avenue and Harrison Street. Every time I’ve eaten there it’s been nothing short of delicious . . . until now.

Because I am participating in the Summer Meltdown 2010 weight loss program, I decided to keep my lunch very light. So I ordered a salad. The Francoise Salad to be exact. This salad boasted thinly-sliced salmon over a bed of spring greens with roasted asparagus, a lemon vinaigrette dressing and a small baguette.  The baguette was the best part.

In Ossorio’s defense, this salad debacle was my own damn fault. I was going to order the salad with bacon and blue cheese crumbles, but I went for the healthier option. I opted for the salmon, even though the boy at the register warned me without warning me about it. Here’s how it went down:

Me: Can I have the Francoise Salad, please?

Register boy: Have you had our salmon before? (This should have been my clue to order something different.)

Me: No.

RB: It’s salt-cured.

Me: [Blank stare]

RB: It’s lox.

Me: [Pausing for a brief, agonizing moment] That’s fine.

But it was not fine. The girl brought over my salad, I took one look and thought Shit, what have I done? It was a plate full of slimy salmon.

Thinly-sliced salt salmon. I’ve had prepackaged Starkist salmon better than this crap. It was chewy and fishy beyond belief. Normally I’m O.K. with the flavor of salmon, but this was just vile.

Then I realized that what I was eating was not even really that healthy. It was very salty which meant that it would make me retain water and even raise my blood pressure. Great.

I resolved to eat at least all of the vegetables and some of the salmon, which I did, but it was rough. Eating a bite of the baguette with the salmon made it a bit more bearable, and now I understand why people eat lox primarily on bagels. Not on salads.

Next time I visit Ossorio, I’m sticking with a whole wheat flat bread pizza. That’s the way to go.